A boss was telling an applicant the two main rules of the company - funny jokes

A boss was telling an applicant the two main rules of the company

He said, "Our 2nd main rule is cleanliness.

Did you wipe your feet on the mat before coming in?"

The applicant replied, "Yes sir! I did."

Then the boss said,

"Our 1st main rule is trustworthiness.

Baked beans and their delightful tune , joke

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a
somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams,
he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine
subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her
he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple
of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off
any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he
"put-putted" all the way home.

Applying for a Job at the CIA , joke of CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position. After sending some applicants through
the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the
possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the

Mr. Bear And Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like

each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods,

and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog

talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet

anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told

them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were

females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a

while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. 

wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr.Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his

second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests

were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then

Johnny Cannot Tell a Lie ,joke

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river."

She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie."

A Definite Definition , teacher joke

 

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it.

She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Bad Car Day , police officer

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

A Few Philisophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll

inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the

message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing

Summer Time Is Coming

Miracle at the Parking Lot

I never thought I would be writing about a trip to the convenient store, but this trip was like no other. It seemed like a typical November day, two years ago, as I walked out of Walgreens. It was just a month after my grandmother had passed away and I spent my days running useless errands hoping to fill the void in my heart and distract me from the pain.

The story of a woodcutter

 

Once upon a time, a very strong woodcutter asked for a job in a timber merchant and he got it. The pay was really good and so was the work condition. For those reasons, the woodcutter was determined to do his best

Christmas miracle – real story!

This is a real Christmas miracle story, happened in December 1997 in Wisconsin, USA.
A little girl named Sarah had leukemia and was not expected to live to see Christmas. Her brother and grandmother went to the mall to ask Mark Lenonard who was a professional Santa Claus to visit the hospital to give Sarah the gift of hope through encouragement and paryer.
A year later Sarah surprised Santa by showing up at the mall where he worked. Here goes the story.

The Bullet of Love

The Bullet of Love

There was a boy who just entered college. He was the not so popular guy with almost no friends. Until he fell in love with the most popular girl in the college… Every boy was after that girl… She hadn’t even ever noticed him but he was always there trying to start a conversation… Eventually when time passed the boy became popular and became friends with the girl. Soon they were best friends, the girl always shared her sorrow with him and they were always on their phone talking. The boy thought that the girl also fell in love with him so one day he decided to tell her his feelings. He sent the girl a message asking her to come meet him in the park… The girl came and they started to talk

Chicken council says Super Bowl covered

 

WASHINGTON, Jan. 25 (UPI) -- The National Chicken Council in Washington said rumors of a chicken wing shortage ahead of the Super Bowl are unfounded.

Bill Roenigk, chief economist and market analyst for the National Chicken Council, said this week in the 2013 "Wing Report" that Super Bowl watchers shouldn't have too much trouble finding chicken wings to enjoy along with the Feb. 3 showdown between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens, Tribune Newspapers reported Friday

HOW MANY CALORIES DO WE BURN DURING SEX

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. 

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

irish car accident joke

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

I Wish That All The Ladies

 

So heres the deal, at my university on our thursday nights we have a massive night out where buses from the uni take us out to all the pubs and night clubs when were smashed. Think of it as a mini pub crawl i guess..
On every bus theres always some sort of chant going, so i thought it would be cool to post your favourite and your funniest, feel free to make some up too...

heres a few to start us off:

I wish that all the ladies, (all repeat)
Were waves in the ocean, (all repeat)
and i was a surfer, (all repeat)
I'd ride 'em with my motion! (all repeat)

I wish that all the ladies,
Were bells in the tower,
and i was a bell boy,
I'd dong 'em every hour!

I wish that all the ladies,
We're buns on the shelf,
and I was a baker,
I'd cream em all my self!

I wish that all the laides,
We're holes in the road,
and I was a dump truck,
I'd fill em with my load!

some funny dog texting owner 2013

some funny dog texting owner 2013

 

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop ,english jokes

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.